Of Pirates and Planning
by mariteri
Summary: Penny and Sheldon wish to move forward with their lives in positive directions. And they have a plan. But what does it have to do with pirates? Read and find out. It's Shenny if you squint. Rated T for language. I do not own TBBT or its characters and I receive no moneys from the posting of this story. Mores the pity. Thanks to all who read, reviewed, and followed/favorited.
1. Chapter 1

This is for Risknight. I took up the gauntlet. Let me know how you like it.

Please Read and Review!

**Chapter One**

Penny sat across from Sheldon and picked away at her napkin, feeling the weight of the past several months eating at her usually chipper mood. She looked at her neighbor, wishing that she had a better way to tell him all this without sounding like a whiner.

"I woke up the other day and realized that I couldn't stand him," she told Sheldon quietly. "The funny thing was that it wasn't anything he did or didn't do, but about what I had done to myself."

Sitting up straighter, the tall physicist asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean I let Leonard's insecurities and wants change me, as well as my life to the point where I don't like it or myself anymore," she told him, sounding brittle as she did so. "I stopped going out with my friends, I stopped doing anything I like, and don't even get me started about what he thinks about the people I go to school with!"

"I wasn't, but I take it he doesn't like them as well?"

"That is an understatement," she muttered. "And then I find out that he showed that gosh awful movie I was in to anyone he could when he was in the north Atlantic last summer!" She covered her flame red cheeks with her hands. "Oh God, Sheldon, I found out when this man I didn't even know came up to me and exclaimed that he couldn't believe a hot body like me was sleeping with a short ass like Leonard!" She took a sip of her drink. "This was only made worse when he went on to ask me if I would be interested in sleeping with him. Meanwhile, he did so without even looking up from my breasts."

"So that's why you kneed Dr. Rayburn in front of the people in the cafeteria last week?" he inquired to which she nodded. "That explains a lot."

"The worst part of the car crash that was last week, Leonard gave me his sad puppy dog look and said he was so disappointed in me! I didn't do anything wrong!"

A dawning light lit up Sheldon's face. "So that's why you dumped your cold coffee on Leonard in the hallway between our apartments?"

"He's lucky all I had on me was my coffee mug or it would have been a hell of a lot worse than just coffee over his head," she muttered. "It was bad enough that I was treated like a piece of meat by that ass, but Leonard thought he could lecture me as if I were a kid in need of being raised." She snorted. "I have a father. He might not have been much of one, but I got 'im."

"Penny," Sheldon sighed. "I know you called me here for more than to hear your sorrowful tale."

Her face softened. "I missed you, Moonpie."

"Thank you and I missed you as well, Penny, but do stop calling me Moonpie. Only my Meemaw can call me that," he told her. "I wish I could give you a solution to your problem, but I find that my own pair bonding is drastically unfulfilling as well."

She looked puzzled for a moment before asking, "You're not happy with Amy?"

"That's what I just said," he muttered.

"Sorry, but sometimes you can be a jerk." He looked at her startled. "I'm not an idiot, Sheldon. My vocabulary isn't as big as yours is, which is fine for me most of the time. But you start talking the way you do and I'm lost. This wouldn't be so bad, but you get all pissed off at me when I ask what you could mean—something I would have thought you'd like, seeing as I'm learning new words and how to use them when I do so—but no! Instead you get all into jerk mode."

Sheldon's face fell a bit at her words, before saying, "I apologize, Penny."

Sighing, she said, "That's okay. Now tell me why you aren't happy with her. I know she can be a bit…" She couldn't even come up with a term, saying, or descriptive. "Amy."

"She has been increasingly demanding to the point where I have found myself asking if I am in this relationship for any of the right reasons," he mumbled mostly to himself. "She has an excellent mind. I find it and her personality to be fascinating. But I have still have no wish whatsoever to mate with her. Is that wrong of me?"

"You're not attracted to her?"

He flushed, as he muttered, "I'd rather lick your unkempt kitchen island than have anything to do with Amy in any sort of sexual activity." Penny's eyes went wide at his words.

"You can't help it if you're not attracted to her, Sheldon. It's one of those things. You either are or aren't. And in this case, you're not. And there's nothing wrong with that," she murmured. "To tell you the truth, my bedroom activities with Leonard have never been what anyone has called great…"

"I don't need details!" he snapped, interrupting her.

"I wasn't giving you any," she told him. "I was just telling you it isn't great for me."

"Oh," he said, blushing now.

"He thinks it's all perfect, because he's in love! But let me tell you, just because I'm in love doesn't mean it adds to anything Leonard may do in the bedroom," she told him, as he was burying his face into his palms.

"Oh Penny," he sighed. "I must be hanging out with you too much."

"Why?" she asked him.

"I understood that."

They looked to each other and busted up laughing.

But when the laughter died, they found themselves staring at each other.

"I'm going to have to break it off with Leonard, aren't I?"

"If you want to become whom you wish to be," he said softly. "Yes, chances are you'll have to do that." Swallowing thickly, he inquired, "I'm going to have to terminate my relationship agreement with Amy as well?"

"I'm pretty sure you're going to have to do that," she said kindly. "But how are we going to be able to do that without Leonard going all Emo and Amy…doing whatever it is that Amy does?"

"We need a plan," Sheldon told her.

"But I can't think of a thing that would make Leonard less whiny after a breakup and Amy less…Amy," Penny said thoughtfully.

He thought that over and pointed out, "Perhaps we are looking at this the wrong way." She frowned at that, but he went on, "Perhaps we shouldn't be asking ourselves what could make them less them, but what we can do to avoid it."

She thought that over. "You mean run away?" She shook her head no. "That won't solve anything!"

"It'll solve me not having to listen to that awful music he plays until he 'hooks up'…" He used air quotes. "…with the next warm female body he jumps." He crossed his arms over his chest. "And I hate harp music, Penny. I think I'd move back to Montana to avoid it again."

She winced at that. "So what do we do? Because let me tell you, Sheldon, I don't know how much more of his Leonardness I can take."

Scowling, he said, "That isn't a word." Sheldon then sighed. "But that being said, sadly I know exactly what you meant."

Penny worried her lower lip and said, "May be we need for them to break up with us?"

"That would never happen," he sighed. "Leonard is too enamored with you to think beyond those fictional beautiful babies he's constantly going on about you two procreating and Amy would be foolish to unhook me. I'm too much of a catch."

"What? He's still going on about that?" An angry flush filled her cheeks. "That asshole! I'm more than a-a brood mare!" She pursed her lips and told him, "You know she has a five year plan for you two, don't you?"

He blinked at her. "For me to win the Nobel?"

She shook her head no. "For you to be bed, wed, and with kids." He took a sharp breath in shock at her words.

"What?!"

"You heard me the first time," she told him. "We need to be mature and break it off cleanly. But we can't do that until we have a plan in place."

He nodded at this. "True, Penny, but what do we do?"

She thought that over and said, "For now?" She stood up. "We're going to Disneyland."

He leapt up. "Now that sounds like a plan!"

TBC...

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this. I'll try to update it within the next two or so days. Let me know what you think! Thanks again and have a great day.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to all the people that took the time to review, follow, and favorite. I can't even tell you how much I loved that! Here's chapter 2. Let me know how you like it.

Thank you. Please read and review

**Chapter Two**

By the time they got home that night, they had come up with a plan. The first thing they both did was make phone calls to both of their families together. They informed them what would be going on and that they were more than likely going to be called by Leonard and Amy.

The two laid out their plans to the parents and told them in no uncertain terms that they were to keep themselves in Nebraska and Texas. Her father said that she would be better off back home, his mother told him that as weird as she was Amy was her best bet for grandkids, and Meemaw exclaimed it was about damn time. Neither of them knew what to make of that one, but thanked her nonetheless for her support.

Next they called his sister Missy, who jumped in to help them out, as it would be able to get her and her husband a vacation out in California. It was while they were out to dinner that Sheldon and Penny explained to her what she and her husband would be doing.

"You need to find us a house," she told her. "And we need to have everything wrapped up with us moved in by the nineteenth of September."

Missy blinked at them both, as she took the time to absently burp her son.

"That seems awful fast," drawled Sam from next to his wife. "Why do you need it in just over a month?"

They looked to each other and back over to them, saying together, "We have our reasons."

"You two aren't eloping, are ya? 'Cuz Ma will have herself some kittens if ya do," Missy said with a laugh.

"Nothing of the sort," her brother muttered. "We need to move out as soon as we break it off with our soon to be exes. And seeing as neither of us wish to be there any longer than need be, we need to move straight into the house that day."

"Then why do you need the house by the nineteenth?" Sam asked, taking his son from his wife and putting little Max into his stroller.

"You're just going to have to find out," Penny told them. "On the day in question."

It took ten days, three websites, and a near nervous breakdown (the real estate agent retired shortly thereafter, claiming that Sheldon was enough to break the spirit of any sane individual), but they found what was deemed the perfect house. The two story bungalow house was in one of the older areas of Pasadena. Penny had fallen in love with it on sight and Sheldon said it was acceptable as soon as the building inspector said it was in perfect shape both esthetically and structurally.

They argued over several things, not the least of which was which bedroom was theirs or the schedule of chores that came up as they would be now sharing responsibilities of owning a house. The one thing they were in total agreement on was the backyard. They loved it. It was on the small side, but it was one of the bigger ones in the neighborhood.

"This is perfect," Penny said to Sheldon, as they stood looking out to it. She point over to where there was some shade in one corner. "We can put the outdoor kitchen and bar over there, don't you think?"

Thinking that over, he murmured, "That could work, but, Penny, neither one of us would be able to build it."

"That's what Zach is for, sweetie," she told him. "He's dumb as a brick, but he's a great carpenter and has made more than a few barbeque areas. He told me that he'd be happy to do it. All we need to do is get the supplies."

"Really?" he asked, looking back over to it. "Do you think he could put up a big whiteboard in my office?"

"I already asked him and he said that he could make all your walls whiteboards if you wanted it. All we'd have to do is buy the special paint," she told him, making him grin happily at the news.

"Excellent," he murmured. "But I just need two walls."

The alarm on her smartphone went off. She looked over to Sheldon. "I have to get going to my appointment. I'll call to let you know how it went." Smiling hopefully. "Wish me luck."

"Poppycock," he told her, turning to face her. "There's no such thing as luck and they'd be fools not to take you on as a sales representative for their company."

"I'd never been able to have done as much without your help with those online business classes, Sheldon. Thank you."

"You are most welcome," he told her. "Now you'd best get going. Being late to a job interview isn't a good thing. And when you get back, we can have a celebratory pizza."

Blushing she went to tiptoe, kissing his cheek quickly. "You're such a sweetie-pie!"

Penny rushed off in order not to be late for her appointment, never knowing that she had left a stunned Sheldon and his sister fighting off laughter by burying her face against her mountainous husband's strong shoulder in her wake.

Moving and packing, in comparison to picking out the house, was a lot more difficult. They had to time it perfectly, while trying keeping the others unaware of what was going on. This was made slightly easier, as Leonard had several symposiums all in New York and it was to last approximately two weeks. Unfortunately, this left the others there to distract from what they were doing. It involved several madcap schemes, not the least was which was arranging for Howard and Bernadette a "Free" three day vacation at Half-moon Bay, signing Raj up to ten consecutive nights of speed dating, and Sheldon spending far too much time with Amy at a Neil Diamond convention in Solvang.

More than once Penny had been tempted to tell Bernadette about what was happening, but she knew the moment she even let it slip even a bit every one of their friends would know what was going on. Damn gossip hounds. And that, she told herself, was the last thing either Sheldon or herself had wanted.

This wasn't helped by Sheldon's totally and complete inability to keep anything in his head from coming out of his mouth. This only had Penny wanting to have them packed and moved all the faster into their new home. Zach and his pals were fixing up the house, not to mention assisting with the move—which was a great big help, as it wasn't like they could ask any of their friends without letting the secret out too soon.

Finally the day came when everything was done. Now all that was left was breaking up with Leonard and Amy. Penny took Leonard out to eat and Sheldon stayed at the apartment with Amy.

Leonard started going on and on about what he wanted them to be doing later that night, even as Penny was trying to get his attention.

Finally out of patience, she snapped, "Leonard!"

He stopped and blinked at her. "Oh, I'm sorry, Penny. You wanted to say something?"

She just stared at him a moment before wiping her mouth off with the napkin. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." She pulled off the engagement ring and put it on the table.

"What?! I love you and you love me!"

"My grandma told me that there's a wide gulf between wanting and needing and when I found out the difference, I would be a grown up." She stood up. "I've found out the difference and I think you have to find out too. I need my life back and I'm taking it back with both hands."

"Meaning I've taking your life from you?" he demanded. "I never…"

"No, what you did was worse," she told him in a low voice. "You used what I was feeling for you to get what you wanted whether it was sex or isolating me so that the only friends I had were you and yours. And what has me so pissed off was that I let you get away with it."

"Oh I did not…"

"Really?" she asked, going back onto her heels. "So you don't recall me calling your mother when you were trying to get pity sex wherever you wanted…"

Jumping to his feet, he tried to talk his way out of her temper, "So I may have gotten carried away…"

"And I let you. So I know I'm just as much to blame as you are," she told him.

"Just sit down and we'll talk…"

"I've had enough talking to last me," she told him, backing away. "I'm sorry, Leonard, but you're going to have to call dibs on some other girl. Perhaps you can have those smart, beautiful, not to mention, imaginary babies that that you've already named with her."

TBC...

Thanks again for your support and have a wonderful weekend.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi! Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! Read! Review!

**Chapter Three**

Meanwhile back at the apartment, Sheldon was busy on his computer printing up documents. Amy had been trying to get his attention for the previous half an hour to no success.

When he was finished printing up whatever it was that he was working on, she let out a relieved breath.

"Sheldon, we need to speak about our visit to my mother's next month," she said, sounding shriller than she intended due to her irritation that once again he didn't seem to be paying attention to her.

He looked at her with mild annoyance, as he said to her, "Amy, I have an I.Q. of 187. If there is one thing that can be said about yours truly, it is my ability to attend to and think of multiple things at any one given moment. You were speaking of the visit to your mother's residence?"

"Yes," she said, looking more relaxed.

"I apologize, but I will be unavailable to attend," he told her, as he found the pen he was looking for and proceeded to quickly sign all the papers in front of him that he needed to sign. He handed the papers over to Amy, saying, "I am dissolving the relationship agreement. I am sorry to say that it has come to this. I find that your mind is amazing, but I do not feel anything for you beyond friendship."

She looked at the papers and back to Sheldon and then back to the papers. "But…"

"Amy, you deserve more than I can ever offer to you," he breathed. "So much more." She looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. "I…can't. Not now, not in five years from now, not ever."

She took up the pen and signed the paperwork as quickly as possible, leaping to her feet and rushing over to the door and yanking it open. She turned and looked over to Sheldon.

"I'll give you this time to come to your senses, but you'll come to regret…" He tore the papers in half, making her gasp in pained shock.

"It's over, Amy," he said. "It's for the best for us. I can be your friend, but that's it."

"You love me!" she yelled at him.

"Yes, I do. I love your mind. Your intelligence is above par. It's…" He smiled sweetly. "It's beautiful." He tossed the torn up contract away in the garbage. "But that's all I feel for you." Sheldon pulled out a piece of paper from his messenger bag and went over to her, handing it over to her. "Here. Take this."

She took it hesitantly, looking at what was on the paper. "Dr. Hector Quinta? Who is this?"

"He's a doctoral candidate in physics that arrived to Cal Tech this last week," he said. "He saw you and he finds you very attractive."

Looking more cheerful now, she asked, "He does?"

He nodded. "Call him. You won't be sorry that you did."

Clutching the paper tightly, she studied him a moment. "If I leave, I'm not coming back."

Smiling sadly, Sheldon murmured, "Goodbye, Amy Farrah Fowler. It has been an honor knowing you."

Her face crumbled and she rushed away. He shut the door and proceeded to begin his last cleanup of the apartment, as a way to wait for Penny's arrival.

Getting to the apartment was very awkward. As they had gone to the restaurant in one car, they had gone back the same way. And then there was getting up to the fourth floor via the stairs. Leonard never wished more fervently for longer legs or to be athletic or for the elevator to be working. But when she turned and went into the apartment as well? He'd had enough.

"Stop following me!" he demanded.

"I'm not." She looked over to Sheldon who was slipping his laptop into his messenger bag. "Hey, Moon Pie. Are you ready?"

"Just about, Penny," he said, picking up a large envelope and handing it over to Leonard. "My half of the rent is paid off until the end of the lease, which will be finished by the end of next month. This is the paperwork dissolving the roommate agreement. I wish you well. Goodbye, Leonard."

They had hoped that they'd be able to escape without Leonard going into a fit, but that wasn't to be.

"Where are you going?" he demanded. "That's my…" She shot him a look. "You can't date him!"

"We're not dating," she told him. "We're friends."

Crossing his arms over his chest, he said, "Well, you can't be friends either." Penny and Sheldon just looked to each other and back over to him, saying nothing as they glared at him. Feeling uncomfortable now, he began to wish he was taller yet again. "What?"

"Didn't you grow up beyond age twelve?" she asked him. "I know I'm immature and Sheldon here has his moments of childishness, but you just top the kiddie cake!" Leonard's face went beet red. "We broke up and I'm sorry it hurts you, but Sheldon and I are friends and that isn't going to change anytime soon just because you demand it."

Leonard scowled at them, looking more and more like that kid she accused him of behaving like. "Well, we'll see how long it lasts. I give you two a week before…Hey! Where are you going?"

They stopped walking down the stairs and looked over to him. The two looked to each other and back over to him. Together they said, "Home."

Frowning now in confusion, he said, "But you live here."

Penny looked over to Sheldon, saying, "You know up until now I thought those I.Q. points between you and Leonard weren't that big of a deal, but I guess they are, huh?"

"More than you can even imagine," he muttered. "Let's go home, Penny. My sister is leaving in two days and I want some more playtime with my nephew before they go."

"You just want to be able to read him his night time story," she teased him. "You know what your sister is going to say, don't you?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "I don't care what she says. Isaac Asimov is perfectly fine as children's night time reading material…"

Penny waved goodbye to a still shocked Leonard, as they walked away talking to each other. Wondering what the hell was going on, he rushed over to 4A, grabbed his keys and went over to Penny's apartment sure that this was some sort of joke the two were playing on him.

"What the frak!" Leonard exclaimed at the sight of the utterly bare space.

When Leonard arrived at the house address that Bernadette gave him, he didn't know what to expect. But a full blown pirate party where his own mother was dressed up as a pirate wench, wasn't it. Not even close.

He had gone over with the plan of talking Penny back into their relationship. He loved her and she loved him—and dammit! He'd seen her first! He'd called dibs! That should count for something, right? The quiet residential street had little by way of parking and thus making it that he had to park at least four blocks away from the house in question.

So forced to walk over, he wasn't in all that great of a mood by the time he came within spitting distance of the house. He looked at the address and was shocked to see that where he was going was having a party! He approached the house cautiously and went into the backyard where all the guests were coming and going. And everyone, every single person there, was dressed like a pirate.

Looking around in shock he took note of everyone that was there. Zack, Penny's one time boyfriend was at the grill in the corner of the yard, in charge of the cooking from the looks of him. Bernadette and Howard were dressed up as a pirate and her lusty tavern wench respectively (Howard had lost a bet with Sheldon). They were dancing to an off key tavern song of all things. This was made all the stranger by her continually slapping her husband's ass playfully and Howard just as jauntily hitting her rump with his fan.

Yeah, he didn't need to see that.

TBC...

Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Here it is the next chapter, and sadly, the end of our journey. It's been a blast and I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

Please read and review!

**Chapter Four**

He saw Raj, who was there with his dog Cinnamon and both again were dressed up as pirates.

"Hello Leonard." His mother went over to him, sipping on what looked to be a beer as she did so. "I see that you didn't dress up for the occasion." She sniffed, murmuring, "Pity."

"Mom?" he said in a strangled voice when he saw her outfit of a white peasant blouse, long brown skirt and brown leather corset, which had her breasts practically falling out of the top. "What are you doing here?"

"I was invited," she answered. "Sheldon and Penny certainly know how to throw a great party."

"But why…How…Why?!"

His mother blinked at him a moment. "This is their house warming party. The fact that it's on National Speak Like a Pirate Day just worked out perfectly for them." She turned to look at him. "If you aren't here for the party, what are you here for?"

"I'm here to talk Penny into taking me back," he said, sounding unsure for the first time since he set his path an hour before.

She sniffed and muttered, "I don't see that happening."

"She needs me," he told her.

"Whatever for?" His mother tilted her head, looking like she was recalling a conversation. "From what I was given to understand, her new employment as a sales person now pays more than your job at the university. And as far as her one time need to be paired with a man goes, she has explained to me that she discovered that she would rather be alone than a part of a dysfunctional couple yet again." She gave one of her tight smiles. "I'm so proud of her."

"What?!" he asked, totally stunned at her words. "Why?"

"She's bettered herself and gained more ground in life and self-confidence on her own terms than she ever imagined she could, Leonard," she said, looking around the party again. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm your son and you've never said as much to me!"

"That's because you are a blatant underachiever, dear," she told him, as soon as she saw her date. "And now you're a buzzkill."

A gray haired, muscular man took her outstretched hand, placing it on the curve of his elbow. They walked away with him whispering something to her that had her laughing more than Leonard had ever seen her do before. Which, if he were honest with himself, he had no recollection of her doing at all within his company _ever_.

"AARG! There be a land lubber!" came a yell from behind Leonard, which made him jump and turn around to see Penny carrying bags of ice into the backyard shindig. She looked like the sexiest pirate he had ever seen in a sparkling hot pink bandana covering her hair (was that Hello Kitty in the design?), cropped white peasant blouse showing off her toned abs, skin tight black pants, and black boots that made her tower over him. "This will put the Black Hearted Captain Cooper in a foul temper fer certain."

"Penny? We need to talk…"

"Nay! There will be no jaw waggin' at me, ye scurvy nave," she told him, looking around at the party goers. "Yo, Dread Pirate Bernadette?!" A giggling Bernie came over. "Have your wench and a party of strong arms fetch the grog from me boot."

"Aye, aye, Spectacular Captain Penelope!" Bernadette answered, still laughing as she added, "Hi, Leonard!"

"Hi," he said weakly, unable to come up with more before she left for the beer.

He ended up following Penny over to the bar/outdoor kitchen area where Zack and a couple of other big guys took the bags of ice from her.

Turning to face him, she said, "So, Leonard, talk about the last person I thought would be here tonight."

"We need to speak in private…"

She shook her head no.

"Come on!" She winced at his whiny tone, making her wish that she hadn't of promised Sheldon that she wouldn't drink that night.

"It's over," she told him. "And I'm okay with that."

"Why? How can you be okay with it?" he asked her. "I love you!"

"I'm getting to like me again," she explained to him. "I'm enjoying life. And, best of all, I'm not having to make excuses about anything to anyone." She smiled. "That feels good."

"Good without me, you mean?" His face went tight at those words. "Well without me, you wouldn't have that car you're driving. I know for damn sure you couldn't balance a budget without my aid. You'll end up spending more on shoes than you can afford and then what? Between you stealing Wi-Fi and the milk, just how long do you think it'll take Sheldon to have one of his fits? If you think Sheldon's going to put up with you for longer than he has to…"

Her face crumbled under his criticism and was bellowing out, "SHELDON!"

The party went quiet and the only thing that could be heard was the steady fall of booted feet coming from the garage only to stop right behind him. Leonard spun around to see Sheldon Lee Cooper, Ph.D. standing directly behind him dressed in all black from head to toe with a large brimmed feathered hat and an eye patch.

"We have a land lubber, do we, lass?" he asked, glaring at Leonard hard enough to make him nervous. But when he looked over to Penny, the act fell away. Turning the eye patch to rest on his forehead, he looked at her with concern. "Are you okay, Penny? Do you require a hot beverage?" He went over to her side.

She pointed to Leonard. "He was being an asshole."

"Do you want him to walk the plank?" he asked, looking at his watch. "No one's walked it in the past forty-seven minutes."

She looked at Leonard with disappointment and more than a little anger. "Please get him out of here. We just moved in. The last thing we want is someone calling the cops, because I went junior rodeo on his lame ass." Turning heel, she walked away and went into the house.

They were quiet for a moment before Sheldon turned his hard blue eyes on Leonard and growled, "What did you say to her, Leonard?"

"The truth!" he snapped.

Raj came over and murmured what was said to Penny. Sheldon glared at his one-time roommate, as he thanked Raj. He went over to Leonard, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and walked him out of the backyard.

"Penny is my best friend," Sheldon told him. "That isn't something I can say of anyone before. And I refuse…" He lowered his head and snarled in his face, "_Refuse_ to have her insulted in our home, Leonard." He let go of the scruff, pushing him away towards the sidewalk. "Go away. You're not welcome here until you learn to be civil."

"Penny and I belong together! We're meant to be!" Leonard exclaimed.

"You insulted her ability to take care of herself," Sheldon said to him. "How are those sweet words requesting reconciliation by anyone's definition, Leonard? If that weren't bad enough, you have the nerve attempting to tell her that I would get tired of her."

Standing up all the straighter, he stated him, "What I am quickly weary of is your little big man façade that covers up a very insecure, petty child." He turned to leave, stopped and looked at him. "My mother told me about how you phoned her. Needless to say, your piteous bid to get her to your way of thinking failed."

Scowling Leonard walked away only to have to turn around and head the other way, as he had gone the wrong direction. Sheldon turned and was a bit shocked to see Zack with several other of the big guys there.

"Got your back, man," Zack told him.

Bewildered Sheldon asked, "Why?"

"That's what friends do," Zack explained to him. "You better check on Penny. She didn't look too happy when she left."

Nodding he rushed up the stairs and proceeded to knock on her bedroom door. She opened the door, sniffing into a tissue.

"I didn't know Leonard could be such a self-centered homunculus," she muttered, blotting at her eyes and thanking heaven that she had gone with her waterproof makeup that night.

"No one with that many allergies is perfectly formed, Penny," he said absently, as he studied her face. After a moment, he looked back down at the floor. "Did I tell you that he called my mother?"

Her eyes went wide, as she breathed, "No, you didn't. What happened?"

"He told her that we were living in sin and that we were both a hot mess," he told her. "If not for Missy setting her straight, she would have been here last week."

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."

"I informed her that the only hot mess I knew of was Leonard," he said, making her laugh.

"That was perfect!" She threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.

He lifted his arms and hugged her awkwardly, patting her back as he did so. The idea to move had come when they had been in line for The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It had been then that he had told her about the holiday that they were currently celebrating.

_"__We'll have a party on that day! It'll be our house warming party!"_

_ "__I don't know, Penny," he said hesitantly. "That only gives us about a month to see all of this done. I don't know if we can make it happen."_

_ "__We can do anything we set our minds to," she told him._

It had been the best decision he had ever made.

Kissing her hair covering, he said quietly, "Happy Speak Like a Pirate Day, me lassie."

Beaming up at him, she said, "Thank ye, ye lowly reprobate. There be no day as grand!"

"Aye! That be the truth of it, ye scallywag." He stepped back, as he asked, "Now how about we send the wench that is Wolowitz to walk off the plank?"

Clapping she cheered, "Yes!—I mean, aye!"

The Spectacular Captain Penelope—this had Sheldon rolling his eyes at the thought of it not being a proper pirate name—was jubilant once again. Penny took off ahead of Sheldon, who followed her at a more sedate pace. Sheldon heard Wolowitz screaming like a girl, as he arrived at the back porch in time to see Penny dragging him over to the kiddie pool for a dunking. They stopped and looked over to him for the final verdict. He gave a decisive thumbs down.

Sheldon smiled to himself, even as Howard was performing an overdramatic death in the six inches of water he was in. It would be a miracle if the inflatable kiddie pool survived the night. Absently he reminded himself to replace the water and clean the pool as soon as that bit of bad acting was finished. It was while he was standing there that he realized that normally he'd be upset that there were so many people in and about his house. His grin grew broader when he thought of why he wasn't.

_This was now his absolute favorite holiday ever!_

The End

Well that's it! Hope you like it. Special thanks goes out to Risknight, who issued the Speak Like a Pirate Day challenge. Now here's a challenge of my own. Write a fanfic about Flag Day. Yeah, you got it. Flag Day. It's such a Sheldon holiday, how couldn't I use it? It can be any pairing or no pairing at all. Go wild! Have fun with it! Thank you for reading and have a shiny day!


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